Theres no reason why reading books and an interest in musicals and playing music make someone uninformed, one persons preference for geography over literature doesnt make them more informed than the other one! What music you like or books you read is a matter of personal preference, and really its rude to mock people for their personal taste just because it doesnt align with yours unless theres racism or violence or something. Who knows? But the problem here is not that the daughter dislikes her dads interests. On the other hand it takes work for my mom and I to have things to bond over most of our conversations revolve around cooking (her passion that my sister did not pick up) and our dogs (unfortunately our dogs dont get along but we still trade dog stories all day). 1. Everyone can have a relaxing hobby. 6napkinburger July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. but this might be the best Ive ever read here. He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. July 2, 2013, 3:46 pm. Saying his mom walked out because he hates him. I camped. YUCK. painted_lady bittergaymark Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. Additionally, she may worry that a new man in your life will try to take his place and replace him entirely. First, remember that it is normal for there to be some conflict between a parent and child. And your husband needs to grow the eff up and be supportive of your daughters interests. While I do agree that you should be encouraging your daughter to share your husbands interests with him (and that includes showing an interest yourself), LW, I think a lot of this falls onto your husband doing kind of a crappy job at parenting. If this girl is a only child and is used to having her mom love all the same things she does, then she may not be particularly receptive to reading about something that doesnt interest her or doing things she doesnt like. lets_be_honest Dad used people for his own good. How the States Got Their Shapes for one. Yes, this is the stuff a 7th grade girl needs to hear to boost her self-esteem. Its so easy to kill that spark in a child, well done to the mum for supporting her daughter in doing what she loves! I have to agree. And whenever I caught a fish, my dad was the one to do all the gross work to deal with it. I second this. Without respect there will be no relationship. Loved Jurassic Park and Baywatch of all things. My comment obviously wasnt clear. bittergaymark A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. lets_be_honest Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. She gets too invested in her daughters life. If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel. Seriously, have you heard their new stuff? I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. (I should note now that I have 2 sisters and a brother, but this is before the younger two were born. FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. For my husband he has to do all the driving. I dont understand the amount of hating on fandom today. She and my dad didnt have much of a relationship, so she kind of looked to me to be her BFF, and I had a lot more in common with her. he wants to teach her to drive. The LW can do more to assist, and certainly needs to break away from the us versus him mentality (its easier said that done) but at the same time she cant force 2 other people to enjoy their time together. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together. So sad. And yeh I hated going to home depot with my dad but I know a lot more about home maintenance than some people. ), and Vietnam, but he doesnt care much about the hippie culture, so even though I love that, we skip that. That way, everyone gets a say and is sort of forced to share each others interests. LW, you and your husband are a team. Im dying for new people to follow! This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. I can look back on those time I was forced to go mini golfing with my dad and smile, because I know how happy it made him, and I always ended up having fun, too! Trust that Mark would have PLENTY to say if someone wrote in replacing Buffy with sports. Most of them are women. I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. This could be something as simple as going for a walk together after dinner or taking turns reading bedtime stories. If she likes Star Trek and Firefly and he likes science they might both like going to a science museum. Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. Roll your eyes!?! Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. July 2, 2013, 12:12 pm. July 2, 2013, 4:47 pm. Shes all the better for it. 2. I would call that well-rounded. You got a long with him just fine before she got in to this stage in life, and you need to act like a grown-up every once in a while, because this guys is losing his wife and his daughter, partly because you want to be her friend more than her parent all of the time. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. Id hate it if a parent did that to me and Id hate it if my partner did that to me too. I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. Im sorry, but the father is an asshole. Frankly, I dont know ANYBODY who had such strange mutual worships WITH their parents I dunno, back in the 1980s most parents were actually grown ups, I guess. My dad got me into the Beatles and Hendrix, so I hear that! Find a common ground youve got to. This is exactly my experience, too. bittergaymark She has to do something she doesnt like from time to time. So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. He and I read together every night when i was little, and I remember reading beauty and the beast with him, which I cant imagine was his first choice. But you know what. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_10',130,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');You feel yourself in big trouble when suddenly your husband and daughter are caught in the middle of a nasty argument. My mom is super-duper awesome. I think dad is being a bully. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy. It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. So, here is the thing. She may not have attended every softball game, but she never missed a dance recital or play, and always made sure I had a clean uniform for those softball games and a snack to take with me. But are there REALLY that many teen girls into Star Trek? All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. EVER. Maybe hes afraid that if she leaves then she wont return. I think she should have given more advice for the LW about dealing with the husband and his responses to the daughter. She may not be interested in that stuff NOW, but it can sure come in handy later. WE cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if WE are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell US to stop because it annoys him. Particularly this, Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. The letter says the daughter cant watch what she is interested in when he is around. My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. Did we always get along? He is clearly not getting the message. Well done, as always, my friend. If he simply refuses to see that there is a problem and you continue to feel miserable, I suggest you consider talking things through with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). Ive always found board games to be boring and so does my daughter. And also, him treating her with respect and letting her know he values her, well that will also help shape her future relationships where she will know she deserves to be respected, valued and loved. I think the dad most definitely needs to be happy with the daughter he has, and not spend so much energy trying to shame her into being the daughter he wants, So he should act like an adult and not take his frustration out on his daughter by telling her that her interests annoy him. For one mother, this nightmare is a reality, as her husbands behavior is pushing her daughter away. Which I think is terrible and it really upsets me when she says this. lets_be_honest She didnt even have to lock me in the basement. I actually found her on Facebook a few years ago, lol. Mommy and daddy love each other. To me, there are some red flags in this letter; the fathers ridicule of the daughters interests, and his labeling her as lacking initiative because shes not into the same things he is, jump right out at me. Being oblivious to financial matters. My husband is a HUGE Firefly fanboy. It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. "I cant win for losing. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). In the meantime, you can bolster your children's confidence and counter the ill effects of your husband's put-downs by constantly reassuring them of your love and affection. 1. They gave me a mixtape with a whole bunch of different Beatles on it, and I am still a huge Beatles fan to this day. And I got into the Beatles at a VERY young age I used to listen to cassette tapes before I fell asleep, but got bored with the same-old Sesame Street and Little Mermaid, so I asked them for something new. Ive been there. Well I disagree with the context, but not the actual content, of this advice. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. Awesome show full of information. I agree with what Wendy said, but I also think the dad needs to show interests in her interests. . He should be talking to his wife about how he feels alienated when it is the three of them, but this is an issue between him and his wife. Did nobody notice this in the OPs letter? I love this woman, but theres no pleasing her. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. I adore them and love them as people, not just my parents. By myself, though. I really think if said in the right context, you can support both your husband and your daughter. If he hadnt put in the time when I was a kid, I doubt wed have that relationship. At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. I desperately wanted to be an astronaut? Oh, how fun for all three of you to just sit around endlessly for hours while the dvd player spins Buffy endlessly And then, next, comes Angel! Oh, and he thinks TV can actually teach somebody something more relevant than the fact that its both rather silly and stupid to be a Vampire Slayer Not too mention angst-filled. I simply didnt get it.) She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. Contact Us. I think most people worry about their daughters if they arent active enough and lay around watching tv or reading too much. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. But I see why he would so Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. I think the fathers criticism is a major problem, although I also think the daughter should be encouraged to become educated and skillful in the things hes attempting to teach her too (life is better when youre well-rounded and competent in a lot of things). July 2, 2013, 3:17 pm. He. If he constantly puts her down she will not like him and she will not respect him because she knows that he has no respect for her. My personal relationship with my dad was almost non-existent when I was a tween/early teen, except for those forced family moments. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,, Yep. Ask the GP: Could taking statins affect your dreams? a single mom to her as her dad was never in the picture. Good musicals can be complex and beautiful and again, deal with some pretty mature themes. In four decades of observing crazy-making partners in therapy, I have seen many underlying reasons why these people will simply not let their partners add up any pleasing points.
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