He told me that he loves me and he doesnt want to lose me or go on not talking to me but that something is holding him back from committing. I am glad you are finding the site valuable. Now we are not chatting for 2 days now and this is the first time ever happened to us.But he is still at their vacation. Attraction occurs, stuff happens and it continues to grow for both or it doesnt. And you have to resolve to be okay with what is or change yourself. Most importantly, you should not let other people dictate when youre ready to have your first relationship after being widowed. Hello hope this is still open im a 47 year old male who lives in the uk,i have been in an online relationship that started out as a friendship around 5 years ago with a South African woman who was married at the time after we had known each other a few months she became very distant for a while then one night she messaged me and told me her husband had passed quite suddenly and unexpectedly one family afternoon sat on the sofa with her and their two sons when he fell asleep and passed away,i spent many nights up talking over whatsapp just being thier for her not soon after her mother passed helped her through that best i could we have been very close since i care about her a lot and love her too bits she means the world to me and after a long relationship of many ups and downs im finally set to travel to South Africa to meet her for the first time.Not so long ago one of her sisters lost a long battle to cancer and she took charge of her sisters daughter,she has used her two sons and niece as an excuse not to have time for a sexual relationship and has told me as she will always have to put them first she doubts even in the future she will have time for a relationship of any kind.As i near the time of the trip she went very quiet for a while i thought it was something i had done but tonight we had a long chat she says she will be away from home a few months actually very close to where im staying that she is at her brother in laws place that is being built on and he needs someone there while at work,she says she will visit me as often as she can but not at night ive done little things for her and she says i spoil her though she feels she doesnt deserve it.She says she loves and cares abbout me but is scared cause she doesn;t want me expecting too much she doesnt mean to stay away but doesnt want to hurt me,she feels shes let me down.Says she can only offer her love in friendship and cant go beyond but says she doesnt have anyone in her life and was never looking for a partner but found me who gave her love and compasion and ive always been there for her.I told her ive been feeling like its me who let her down she replied ive given her love and always been there for her how can i ever let her down.She says she gets scared for keeping away that i mean so much to her and she cant bare to hurt me as she knows i want more.I mean if she is being honest her friendship is just as important just that kids as an excuse for no sex sounds odd and way she vanishes at nights not sure if she still holds a candle for her husband or if its something else feeling a little confused. I cant help compare in this way and I fear for our future. I expect you put this family first, god second, extend family second, and friends third . Once your divorce is final, what are you expectations for this relationship? You are pregnant and youve just received quite the emotional blow. So Im just totally confused and sick about all this..Im crushed and I want to help him..but Im afraid I cant. The thought of falling in love terrifies me. Our relationship has been wonderful. Sell it at proper market value, with some reasonable allowance taken off for her being his daughter. I love him so much but I also need to look out for myself. The transition holiday is something I had not thought of and it has merit. To begin building the stockpiles again. I went with him, for a year and was engaged to him for a further year, with that bitch living out of province. 6 months later we had the talk where we both realised we want differenr things. He is too but will it work? I had not thought about him not wanting to widow me. Now its five years later and I am pregnant with our first child and my husband is having an affair. The 53-year-old, who lives in of Canandaigua, New York, initially thought she wasn't going to be open to another relationship out of fear of another loss. 4. Figure out for sure where he stands and then think about what you want and where you want to be at the end of the year and years down the road. Sorry this is so long, I curse the day this little fiend came home. what would AS I alluded early people were still running races for him volleyball tournament. HIS PEOPLE, FAMILY, FRIENDS, IS HIGH ON THE TOTEM POLEHE HASNT HUNG OUT WITH MY PEOPLE AND FRIENDS..FOR INSTAMCE..HE WASNINVITED TO COME, FOR THANKSGIVING, BUT ASKED TO ME CHANGE CHANGE IT THIS ONE TIME.SHE GOT TO CELEBRATE HIS BIRTHDAYI CANTHE WANTS TO GO A MONTH EARLY..SHE DIED 9NYEARS AGO ON HIS BIRTHDAY AND HE AND THE BITCH SISTER IN LAW GOES EVERY YEAR ALONE. Whether our early relationship could be a way of dealing with unresolved issues in their marriage or taking revenge on her? so what does he mean by that? Fred Colby, 72, author ofWidower to Widower: Surviving the End of Your Most Important Relationship,says that a woman who encourages a widower to share his story fully and that includes insight on his relationship with his spouse will be much more apt to have a successful future with him. Thank you for your advise. Ann, thank you.. i will respond with some details later, I have to say that I agree with you completely. i saw on his Facebook his wife of 34 years had passed away and for some unknown reason to me I reached out to him. Grieving isnt a couples activity. My widower dated and married the woman he met from teenagehood. Men generally dont make casual inquiries about your relationship or living status, but on the other hand, he knows how you feel and since that exchange of info, he has backed off considerably. Losing a spouse is tragic and can lead to lasting feelings of grief. HIs children havent met me yet and they arent ready to meet me either and I understand, Im not trying to pressure anybody, but will they ever be ready? He said he really doesnt know why they married. What do you want? .. I expect we communicate your feelings and mine coming together when we have something pop up. If you will decide to do so, please at least try to educate yourself. I consider myself as a part of play between the two of them. Many are content with serial monogamy to see them through the rest of their lives. Hes admitted that he still has some cracks that he needs to fix and that he wants to fix them so he can start the next chapter of his life(I would like to think that its with me, Deep sigh). Like the road would just take me there because I was following all the rules. There are widowed who take their time figuring out what they want now and in the future. He shouldnt feel guilty. And not every widowed person wants a new permanent love. He has had ALOT of firsts with me, and told me that he didnt know any better because he thought that the way his marriage played out over the years was the way married life was supposed to be.in the bedroom, and beyond, so he is somewhat niaeve about things. I referenced the last conversation we had about the topic, and he said because at that point, it was in the future. He said it would make him feel like a gap fillera kill the time good time Charlie.I said bingo now you know how I feel and what I fear. My daughter just recently had a baby, so Im spending alot of time with them, keeps me from thinking too much on my own stuff. I hope everything turns out as you hope. . Sometimes people fool us and turn out to not be as committed as we are. When the time is right, there will be a conversation. If you know what you want, you ask for it. Her sister also revealed in April that this spoiled brat had been buying herself outfits. Or not doing. I would have photos of her forever. Having sex with you. I have a couple of pictures still on my wall, and he on his. You deal with it be reminding yourself that his grief is no reflection of how he feels about you or your relationship. He said last night he does not ever want to get married because he is already married. As far as the ashes and her belongings, I agree. Then I think, if you know what you want, you should do that. I am glad about that. it has been a living hell for the last 18 months. doesnt it say somewhere around here thats a no no and Isnt the man suppose to pack all He does not kiss me or hug me in front of his son as he is not allowed. I later learnt that a lot of the hideous decor which graced my wids home was the product of this revolting younger spawn. Hi Ann sorry to mess you about but id like to cancel my message please. I only realized about the NPD when I was 50 or so. I just cant see me getting over my wife and cant see some counselor telling me, that it is up to me to move on or get stuck. Is my husband still in love with his deceased wife? What do you want? Hes been to my city numerous times(he has family here) and Ive been to his place once (he was in the process of moving back to his permanent residence). It really messes with my head. 5. They didnt behave good at all. Years later, after vowing that she would never love anyone else, this woman found herself falling in love again. But he needs to be aware of how it affects you and you are entitled to not be okay with this. The straight, no chaser, right to the point with no accusations kind of truth. Yes its time for me to be really happy. Working out of the state for a few weeks on and off for about six months but we stayed in touch. He said he is going to tell his kids first and the rest would come after that. Thanks for listening. Maryse: AGREEEEED!!!!!! Change is usually prompted by need and he simply seems to not feel the need. And its okay to want what you want and to want clarification that he is now on the same page. If something is telling you that this isnt right, listen to it and take the appropriate steps. He is very likely to be understanding and great about this too. Counseling might not be as bad as you think and the end goal isnt getting over your wife but trying to figure out what life going forward for you will be the one that works best for you. It amazes me how much emphasis this simple 4 lettered word carries! Many people dont realize how hurtful it is when they grieve via socially media for all to see when they are also in new relationships. For a few, this doesnt happen or they try to convince the new partner that things like dead spouse pics staring at them while they make love to someone else is the normal state of things. I asked nicely for months, that this stuff is making me really uncomfortable. She cornered me the next morning and said I dont deserved to be treat like I am invincible.. all I could do is laugh I smiled and said know the feeling well. Do you want this relationship to work out and are you wanting this for you. Fear has played a big part in my life when it has come to this and the only thing that this approach has done for me is create undue stress and the onset of depression. I know that this time is difficult for him and his 4 adult children as well as numerous family members/friends and watching /feeling them experience the emotions of grief as the wound reopens is as heart wrenching for me too. In addition, just being clear about whats going on and not tolerating disrepect. Fine was better than heartbroken. Part of me did not want to risk getting hurt again. I am so afraid people will judge me even though I know that if they do they really dont me or what I went thru for the last 9 years. Recently he started hitting on me. Tell him you really thought you were fine with it but now that your relationship is even more serious, you realize that you are not. Its always better to be honest. These 5 Questions Will Help You Find Out, Love After Bereavement: Missing Your Late Partner, Valentines Day as a Widow or Widower: A Moment to Reflect and Renew, How to Tell if a Widow or Widower Is Interested in You. . I said X his youngest daughters name. Dont discount his refusal to fully commit to something hes clearly doing. "One never gets over major life losses . But if he doesnt, can you live with this? When in doubt, evaluate actions. if he was okay, he would hug me and say yes, he wasnt going anywhere and for me to please just hang in there while he got through his crazyI would also like to add he has withdrawn considerably from his friends and family other than his children( not hers, they did not have children)Id like to add his children love me, mine do him as well, they said I saved their dads life, he was on a This is hardly a topic for the holiday but observe the behavior of the grandparents over the season closely. I have never have had a daughter I was charmed to have her. Such a lady realizes how cool it is to have a joint household, get a puppy. "To find love, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and that exposes you to the possibility of being hurt. The only way to tell him is just straight forward and honest. If its merely bringing up surreal feelings that a person can work through on their own, dont introduce the topic. All of them. He still wanted me to be apart of his life. Grieving on social media is actually pretty common these days though I dont personally recommend it when you are in a new relationship because it can cause misunderstanding and hurt feelings. Sarah. Okay here is go. I just never dealt with this before. After meeting for dinner and hitting it off we have been together now for 3 1/2 years. He went thru good days and really bad days, and let me tell you there were more bad days than good days, and I was there through it all. they would make me sad because of the way it has ended and who would I He says he loves me, but I wonder if its me or is it i take away some of his lonliness. while the LW was sick and dying? He says he married too soon because he didnt want to be alone. She had a 3 yr battle with cancer and they were married 16 years. He will figure this out or he wont. That is important to establishing a relationship with whoever you might meet. We had each had a solo session with the counselor prior to joint ones starting. You should have to ask or expect these things they should be apart of every loving relationship. When I moved in with my W nearly three years ago, the house was full of her pictures. i dont know what to do i am devastated. You should look after yourself and your son. I am not a fan of this. And dont rush. Not every relationship works out and progresses to commitment. But either of us have private health insurance and we are very short of funds. This is a conversation everyday So I say I dont want to talk about this anymore I want to live our lives. I know it wont be easy. Omg thank you for letting me know that he can still grieve and love again!!!!! Thank you for adding your insight. Im sorry you will be scrutinized by the people who love me. sorry x. I think your first step is to ask him how he feels about a future together. You can blubber all you like and you are welcome for the public forum. Two girls and one boy. Speak up. You are going to be the bad guy if you start enforcing some. This situation actually is really messy. The comment that your W made to you about his house. More likely that he doesnt realize just how much damage he is doing to you and the relationship by downplaying this and by not bringing this up, you are inadvertently allowing him to pretend its okay. Most of all, put yourself and your needs, hopes and dreams ahead of being his emotional caretaker. When are you going to live up to what you have promised me looked at me and said idk.. After a lengthy tearful conversation she finally wrote him, and he hasnt been an issue since I dont feel like I should have to fight this much to live without shadows. Its not baggage. Overthinker. when we first started getting serious he told me up front he did want to remarry .. ever. Have a happy one. Drama is for teenage romances. What are your expectations for this relationship and do you believe that you can be happy with him and being a mother to his daughter (because as young as she is, you will be the only mother she knows). If my current boyfriend never spoke about his deceased wife and got rid of all evidence of her existence, I would think there was an issue. Thats normal for a marriage. For example, I never stayed overnight at a guys house because I was married for 37 years; and now that Im dating someone I care about there were issues about staying over. I do have a small handful of photos mostly recent ones. But also in order to move forward in a healthy manner you must move forward with your new life. I have no doubt my place in his life and in his heart is firmly planted. Research supports that those of us who are socially connected are healthier, have fewer stress-related problems, and recover from trauma and illness faster. If a person had issues or was a jerk or a drama queen or whatever they still are after being widowed and sometimes more so. She has the opportunity, with you, to provide her children with a caring step father. You were/are a potential that couldnt be realized because of bad timing or geography. So much angst (and time suck) could be avoided w/ a little more Q&A. You are not going to get closure on this and you arent going to fix him. and he answered that he leave his phone open that is why i saw him online, but i told him that when i go online i saw him offline first then he goes online, so how come he is telling me that it was online the whole night coz he left his data in his phone open..Then i texted him that is ok if he is chatting someone else. I tried but simply couldnt be a friend. He has two adult daughters. Thanks for listening. Thats what youd do in a relationship with a guy who wasnt widowed, right? But heres the thing, you are both in this relationship. This is his to cope with and not a problem for you to solve. At some point in every relationship, there are details that need to be clarified and/or worked out. If you want more of him and the relationship, having a conversation with him about that cant be avoided. I have a little sister like this and when the rest of the family simply stopped reacting and responding in a manner that made everything worse, she eventually gave up and mellowed. Your family and friends are just reacting to your feelings. Plenty of couples have dealt with one of them in school and starting/blending a new family at the same time. Any successful union requires both people involved to make the other person the centre of their universe. Or, you will have to live with the regret of what if. He says that despite all these ugly things she had done to him he felt happy with her and still loves her. I do think it causes confusion in the eyes of his friends, They see the profile pic but then see him with me in tow socially. Adults are the same. 1. The past does not need to be forgotten but its not healthy and a new relationship will not progress if the past is all around. My husband and I had our moments of frustration with each other and even times when neither of us was particularly happy that change had to happen. But you only have control over your actions and perhaps you need to ask yourself, if nothing has changed in six months or a year, would you be okay with that? Hope things work out as you hope. Adults should have outgrown this and dead wives are not good excuses for thoughtless or bad behavior. You were not a fool and you entered into this marriage in good faith because he gave you no reason not to. Not calling it by name doesnt fool anyone but him. I am in the same boat. My personal opinion is that there are no good reasons to keep someone you love a secret from the people in your life that are important to you. You dont mention the ages of the kids, but they sound young. The question is not him but you. Sigh, I dont think its just a widowed thing or even a dating a widowed thing. They were looking for ways to fix relationships retroactively. Wowthat is really good. He might be serious. I can assure you she does not work in a caring profession, nor does she give a hoot about anyone, her dad, her sister, even her pets, blessedly she has no kids yet, hopefully she never will. She happened to be a widowed. It will always suck. When I was a young girl just out of High School a mentor friend said to me Now I think I cant live with him with all these situations. Its totally his issue and an issue for the next woman because there likely will be one. So i think about that converstation on my mind that maybe he is not serious with me. Non existent boundaries, in fact. He also keeps saying how he doesnt want to jump out of one marriage and suddenly get into another one. And if you have a really good level-headed just good listening non-judgey friend, run your options by him/her. Until there is a commitment, your primary concern should be you and what is best for you. Obviously his latest wife my best friend that i had known for 8yrs passed a year ago in November. I had to let it. Grief is unique to us all for that reason. Thats fine. In the worst case, they help weed out people we shouldnt be wasting time with from our precious lives (really, can we afford to waste another moment on draining or even toxic bullshit? Is it too early for me to ask about where we stand in our relationship? This I itself bothers me because it seems defeatist and not words that indicate a happy open hearted view of the future. I have always been uncomfortable with his house, which was purpose built as his martial home for his LW. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is what is leaping out at me. Taking things slowly, emphasizing deep conversations, and communication are keys to allow the relationship to progress at its own pace, Bobo says. His wife died 2 years ago. His wife died a year and a half ago and I separated not long after that. What a joke! A widow or widower's reactions to the dating process don't always follow the same patterns as those of people who are divorced or have never married. But could she be relied upon to pay a mortgage? you are such a big help for us people who has a heart trouble. 10 months. Perhaps you have heard nothing from him because the holidays are coming up and he wants to avoid having a what are you/we doing? conversation. Now, after all these years, I understand what it is to experience the love and generous affection from another person. I want to let go of my fears and run headlong into your arms. Okay.
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